I'm frustrated

I guess nothing is really new, I'm always frustrated. I want to rant at everyone today. Seriously people, seriously? I'm so sick of studying. I don't get why people can study less then me and do better. How is it that I studied all weekend and I did the worse out of all of them? It looks so bad and it makes me feel dumb. Oh wait, HA I am dumb. I literally sit on my ass this whole weekend and week and even tonight and oh yeah I will be sitting on it this whole effing weekend too. I'm so sick of this routine now. Day in day out work school church.

I guess I really look forward to moving home. There's really nothing for me here now. I don't really have friends here but then again I don't really have friends at home either. I guess everyone is just scattered. Even my parents have lives of their own that they life. They go travel with their friends and what not. Really? What about me? Why do we never travel as a family? Given that they would probably be really boring but still.

I'm so sick of complaining and so sick of feeling like this all the time! To be honest, going home is going to be just like this but then I just hope for that extra spunk in maybe meeting new people. I'm always always the one that calls people and I feel like I'm always the one making an effort and you know what my friends, I'm tired. I want to stay close with my friends because they all mean a lot to me but what happens when youre burnt out? Just disappear? Then 5 years down, none of those people will have made the effort to call me or keep in touch and by then 5 years is out the door and you missed it. Is it worth it to keep trying or just give up? But I guess I answered my own questions, if people aren't making the effort to call me, then maybe they really didn't care that much about me in the first place. But again, it isn't all about me. Everyone's busy (the same old saying, the same old excuses)

I hate this semester. I have hated the last couple of years. I need some time to catch my breath. I need some time to realize that days, months, years have already passed by me and I'm just this machine that does the same thing. I'm ready for change cuz I hate everything here right now.

I hate it when friends tell me things like oh I hope we can stay good friends (granted, I've said that before too...yeah I'm a hypocrite and who isn't?) That saying makes it seem like we won't. Maybe I'm just being stubborn by not making the effort but really people....you can't take advantage of me anymore. I feel like I wasted my college years. I could have done more, met more people but I didn't. I was comfortable.

I want to be apathetic and go back to being a machine. Then I would really feel nothing at all and I could just be tin man. The grass is always greener on the other side huh?

BLAH

Ugh. UGh. UGH.

I'm so frustrated. I wanted to start off the year well but instead I'm stuck in the hole with self inflicted stress coming down. What if the classes I've taken thus far don't count? What if I have to finish the series at one school and the rest don't count? Do I continue this path? Can I do it?!?

My heart feels like its broken but why?! Why do I feel the way I do?!

Frustrations

It's frustrating when someone doesn't treat you with respect, as if you don't have a place in this world. It's ridiculous that people have to even put up with shit like that. I'm seriously pissed off.

Who the hell are you? Why the hell do I have to try to be nice to you? You don't even care so why should I give a shit? It's funny because here I am pissed off at this situation and you probably have absolutely no idea. You just live in your own world. That's fine. I just hope someone puts you in your place soon. Just because you think you're better than someone, means that you're not. Because that thought right there is arrogance and I guess that's the best description. Arrogance.

Dream World

I live in a fake dream world. I hope it starts to come true.

Thunder & Costumes

I can't wait for Halloween! I want to go all out but I have no idea what I want to be. Everyone always wants to make their own costumes but I'm running out of time! Lyds sent me a picture of some wigs and I couldn't help but laugh at them.

Too hilarious.
I guess I could be a nerd because that would be pretty easy but I still kind of want to make a costume. dilemma dilemma.

Tonight I really longed for a cookie but no cookie came my way. Tomorrow I'm going to find myself a delicious one.

I hope it doesn't thunder as much as it did today. It was crazy. Last night I woke up at 6am because the lightening was too bright, how absurd. I dislike driving when it pours just because its so hard to see on the freeway. Also because there always ends up being an accident and I hate seeing that.

Chipper

I stumbled across this song on my ipod and even though I have no idea what she's saying, I would like to think shes saying exactly what I'm feeling.

I'm pretty excited to see my parents this weekend! It's been 2 months and I've wondered if my parents have aged. Maybe my dad has more white hair and maybe my mom is getting more wrinkles. Brownie is definitely growing more white. It's only been two months but the more I'm away from home, the more I realize that so much has changed. I become a guest when I go home and not a permanent resident. I miss out on the day to day things that happen in our family. It feels like I'm a family on my own and they are living their lives. 

Yesterday I had a great time at Disneyland and even when I was all Disneyed out, Disneyland surprised me.

What to be for Halloween?!

what is this?

my heart is racing. its called stress. extreme stress. i can't wait until this week is over. can we fast forward one week? then i can look forward to the same exact feeling in november and once again in december. why must you do this to me?!?