I'm frustrated

I guess nothing is really new, I'm always frustrated. I want to rant at everyone today. Seriously people, seriously? I'm so sick of studying. I don't get why people can study less then me and do better. How is it that I studied all weekend and I did the worse out of all of them? It looks so bad and it makes me feel dumb. Oh wait, HA I am dumb. I literally sit on my ass this whole weekend and week and even tonight and oh yeah I will be sitting on it this whole effing weekend too. I'm so sick of this routine now. Day in day out work school church.

I guess I really look forward to moving home. There's really nothing for me here now. I don't really have friends here but then again I don't really have friends at home either. I guess everyone is just scattered. Even my parents have lives of their own that they life. They go travel with their friends and what not. Really? What about me? Why do we never travel as a family? Given that they would probably be really boring but still.

I'm so sick of complaining and so sick of feeling like this all the time! To be honest, going home is going to be just like this but then I just hope for that extra spunk in maybe meeting new people. I'm always always the one that calls people and I feel like I'm always the one making an effort and you know what my friends, I'm tired. I want to stay close with my friends because they all mean a lot to me but what happens when youre burnt out? Just disappear? Then 5 years down, none of those people will have made the effort to call me or keep in touch and by then 5 years is out the door and you missed it. Is it worth it to keep trying or just give up? But I guess I answered my own questions, if people aren't making the effort to call me, then maybe they really didn't care that much about me in the first place. But again, it isn't all about me. Everyone's busy (the same old saying, the same old excuses)

I hate this semester. I have hated the last couple of years. I need some time to catch my breath. I need some time to realize that days, months, years have already passed by me and I'm just this machine that does the same thing. I'm ready for change cuz I hate everything here right now.

I hate it when friends tell me things like oh I hope we can stay good friends (granted, I've said that before too...yeah I'm a hypocrite and who isn't?) That saying makes it seem like we won't. Maybe I'm just being stubborn by not making the effort but really people....you can't take advantage of me anymore. I feel like I wasted my college years. I could have done more, met more people but I didn't. I was comfortable.

I want to be apathetic and go back to being a machine. Then I would really feel nothing at all and I could just be tin man. The grass is always greener on the other side huh?